5/50 Reasons

"I want adventure in the great, wide somewhere.  I want it more than I can tell!  And for once, it might be grand to have someone understand.  I want so much more than they've got planned..."  Yes, I stole that from Belle.  I don't really feel misunderstood as she clearly was, but I totally do want adventure.  And maybe I'm getting it.  After all, Belle's adventure led through heartache, too.  I just have fewer rabid wolves and no enchanted castles.  You win some, you lose some.

I Used To Have Green Shoes

I used to have green shoes and a cute boyfriend.
At lunch in the sun with friends and happy thoughts
My feet would dangle under the table
My toes flirting with my flats
While my eyes tried to send him my adoration.  
I thought we were able to think the same.  
I watched him and he watched me.
I thought those looks were so real, so penetrating, so full of feeling.
But then the sole broke.  
Of my shoe, I mean.  
I taped it and wore them anyway.
Green goes with everything.
Then I started getting blisters
On the bottom of my heels
Where you can’t avoid stepping on them
No matter how oddly you walk.
So one sunny day after lunch
I took them off, threw them away,
And walked home barefoot.  
The pavement was cold and my blisters hurt.
But they don’t anymore.

No Place by Chris-tel

4/50 Reasons

I have the coolest hobby ever:  recreating historic dress!  My fabric stash isn't too big (believe me, this is a plus) and I have an awesome list of projects that I daydream about and sketch in the margins of my notebooks:  a 19-teens corset, Titanic-era evening gown, 18th-century stays, Victorian bathing suit, French bliaut, fitted gothic gown, and a burgundy batiste regency day dress, for starters.  I also just finished a pair of RED wool hose to complement my as-of-yet-nonexistent medieval outfits.  I love them!

It has several times occurred

It has several times occurred that I was not what someone was looking for.
It stung.  I felt snubbed and slighted, sometimes led on,
But in the end, I understood.  
Sometimes it just doesn’t feel right.  
Sometimes you just don’t love someone.  
Actually, most of the time you just don’t love someone.
They are the few and far between times that you do.  
And it is a miracle moment when you both do.
So why did you have to make it so hard?
Why didn’t you figure it out months ago?
You could have saved me so much pain,
And I would have loved you better for it.

Chasing Violins by Michael Shapcott

3/50 Reasons

Speaking of dancing (because I was), I am amazing at it.  Not in the "get discovered by a secret agent and be the next dancing phenomenon" way, but in the "let down your guard and move and sweat and grin and get as close to exploding without actually exploding" way.  I love to waltz, I love ballet, I love the Virginia Reel, I love techno!  And I do think I'm good, though I'm sure I'll be better when I'm 50, since I can only get better with practice, and I plan to dance all my life.

Some words are hiding places for truth

Some words are hiding places for truth, 
Keeping out the uninitiated before
They hurt themselves on the sharp edge of meaning.
Keyless, they sweetly dance outside the door,
Not guessing that they are blind to height and depth,
Content to worship the cliche before them.  
And then.  One day a sly wind steals your breath
And drops the key at your feet.  You explore
What you once thought you knew; you finally hear
The secret song, see the under-painting.
You know too much to tell. The truth is so clear,
But the word is so small, and just saying
It out loud isn’t enough to make them
Feel the exhausting world contained within.

Pandora Opens Box by Sue Blackwell

I loved

'You are my ghost', he whispered in my ear, his breath warm against my chilled wet skin.  'I love you', I replied, and I did.  Those words, released from their silent prison, grew and expanded to fill the night and the universe, to reach all the stars and saturate my soul.  I love you.

I hope I haunt him now.
He is in my heart, shriveled like a raisin with cowardice and playing games.  But I still know the glory of the stars, the essence of the night.  Not because I loved him, but because I loved.

2/50 Reasons

I smile.  I smile to make other people happy.  I smile to make myself happy.  I smile to make little kids smile back and feel safe.  I smile because I can't help it; because I am alive and the sun shines and the world is round.  I smile because I like the way my lips curve up and into my dimples.  I smile when I dance or when I sing, when if I didn't smile I would probably just explode.  And sometimes I smile because it seems to charm some people, and I end up getting what I want :)

You

The question “why” can suck you in, down and down.

Of course, the positive options don’t strike

You until the saddest ones drag you around

Through the darkest alleys of your mind like

A witch to the stake, a traitor to the noose,

To be your own hangman.  Because you know

Your secrets—he must’ve seen them, guessed the truth,

That you are jealous, vengeful, petty, slow.

Your own dreams didn’t come true because of you.

You are unhappy because you are ugly,

Because you’re pushy, because you didn’t view

Him in the right light, because not only

            You are wrong, but your dreams are wrong also.

            You should not hope so high, for you are low.

"Introspection" by Elena Kalis

What would I do for love?

What would I do for love?
The question leaves me pondering. 
Anything!  I’ve said before,

With breathless heart and hopeful tone,
Just to be

With you. 
But faced with a demand for more

That unnerves and unbalances my idea

Of identity, of the basic core

That shouldn’t need to change,
My idealism hesitates,
Sputters to a stop,
And for a moment I don’t know what I would do

For love.
For love should embrace all of me.

If it won’t, if he won’t, is it even true?

Then my initial question seems to be
Moot.

"Girl in Static" by Audrey Kawasaki

1/50 Reasons

Taylor Swift sings "Hey Steven, I could give you 50 reasons why I should be the one you choose".  I liked the idea and decided to write a list of 50 reasons why someone should choose me.  It was a fun thing to do, enlightening, it went faster than I thought it would, and I actually came up with 57!  Made me feel good.  But since then, that particular "someone" left my life, and I started feeling like I had written my list too quickly and frivolously.  I wanted to really explore why I am valuable.  So, I decided to rewrite my list.  50 Reasons why I choose myself.  I'll start with number 1:

I have traveled around the world, learning languages, mingling with people, and I have fit in everywhere.  Well, ok, so I haven't been EVERYWHERE.  Mainly Europe.  But I would like to argue that the fitting-in, loving-people skill-set applies all over the world.  So there.  The world is my home.

"Up in the Clouds" by cartoongirl7

All over again

Each time, when I force myself to accept that

He will not, shall not, could not love me still,

My heart and thoughts rebel and rage against it,

Leaving me sore and trembling through it all.

But when I say I cannot doubt but that he

Will realize soon his great mistake and come

Running to my door with pleading heart, take me

In his arms and kiss me sweet, I am numb.

It feels softly good to think it, simply warm

To hope, but it seems all too real, and then

I realize we would have to work at it

All over again.

"Topaz" by Alphonse Mucha